I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
