Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
