I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Floor bacon is actually really good
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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