You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
