I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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