I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
