The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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