I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
