i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
