bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
