Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
