i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
