do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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