If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
