Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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