things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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