Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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