I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
