i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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