I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
