just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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