I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What a dumb baby whore.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
