Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize