Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
