im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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