my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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