He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
