I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
