Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
