Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
