I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
