So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
