Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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