The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
