Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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