You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
