Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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