She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
