peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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