I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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