A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
