did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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