I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
