my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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