I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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