and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
