I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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