I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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