Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
