Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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