I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
