Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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