the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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